Tuesday, September 13, 2005

i have finally concluded the fate of our friendship an hour ago. all that nonsense i guess was to cover up how i really felt inside. i think i'm depressed again. what an opportune moment. so now either she's read it and has chosen not to reply, or she hasn't even touched her phone yet.

anyway, today i saw her leave with vanessa and edwin, all smiles. conan told me he was going also, and ya, there you go, i'm all jilted. so i went to the salon shortly after that, but i stopped one stop earlier cuz i saw the new issue of cleo. i went up to the magazine stand, and took out a copy of the magazine, put it on the table so the auntie can see, then without looking i took out a note and handed it to her. she stared blankly at me. then i realised, the magazine i took out was fhm, and the money i was gonna give her was only 2 dollars. i was that distracted. goodness. i apologised and told her i wanted cleo. i think i was thinking too much. but i think it's sorta like a tit for tat thing, cuz i have left her without telling her with other friends. so i guess this is karma. ya.

i'm feeling all upset right now. i played ashlee simpson's undiscovered, and i wanted to sing to it, but i felt so sad i laid on my bed, face against the pillow, and as i listened to it i started to cry. that was after i smsed her how i felt. maybe this will be like, the last time i'm ever gonna have any time of communication or something with her. i want so much to hug her.

damien just said he'd be here to listen. i really appreciate that.

Friday, September 09, 2005

Here I am, perfect as I’m ever gonna be, you’ll see. Love me for me. Stick around, I’m not the kinda girl you wanna leave. You’ll see. Love me for me.

Here I am. Now I’m standing in the cold, everything is said and done. Atomic winter in my soul, from the absence of the sun. The only remedy I know, is I gotta let you go. So here I am, here I am.

Here I am, I’m torn into pieces. Can’t deny it, can’t pretend, just thought you were the one. Broken up, deep inside, but you won’t get to see the tears I cry, behind these hazel eyes.

had a tiff with my sis, she can be such a clean freak sometimes and expect me to listen to her orders, by saying please and all that. i chose to be defiant and ignored her last night. now i'm feeling quite bad about it, i'm just being stubborn.

i was tempted to read her blog, but i know i'd unravel some secrets she had that i know i don't wanna ever know, cuz it'd just make me even more upset. so, i'm grittin my teeth and not clicking that button to her blog.

i just wanna get everything over and done with. this time next year i will be a happier person. or not. who knows.

it's mr lee's birthday today, i received smses yesterday to go under his block in the morning with the rest of those who were gonna come to bake a birthday cake for mr lee. i, duh, obviously wasn't going. wen'll definitely be there since she's been baking cakes for everyone and everything, to give an excuse for herself to eat chocolate. but it's healthy what, it has antioxidants, it makes me happy. come on, do you really believe in that empty talk? whatever.

the walls are like vibrating cuz my stupid out-of-job sister is blaring lounge music on her stereo. it's so freakin loud, even when i close the door i can even feel the rhythm of the drum beating reverberating on my walls. SHE DEAF AH? bloody hell. always and forever you know.

okay, so the prelims start in like, 2 days. i've wasted 5 good days. i'm slowly wasting away, watchin tv for nearly 14 hours yesterday.

don't bombard me with your "oh, i didn't study much yesterday la, just 10 hours only." show-off-ness. don't act smart by telling in an authoritative manner to people in such a way that you think you know what ur talking abt when you actually don't. it's really disturbing to see you change so much in such a short time. i hardly know you anymore. i did try you know, i really did, but if everything's gonna end up in splits just because you think i'm not forgiving enough when i HAVE been, i'll just let them be. i won't do a thing, cuz i have been the one doing all the patch up work. it's always me who starts talking aft a fight, me who always starts an sms to tell you what's wrong with us, me who's always at a deep end in myself whenever you say you didn't mean to be so insensitive and reckless with my feelings.

i'd frankly rather just let this thing that we have, die. i don't wanna have short-lived happiness only to have a big gloomy cloud pass us by every now and then because you think i'm always so unwilling to let go of the past, to forgive and be magnanimous. ur always apologising, it hardly means anything to me anymore. i don't want apologies. i want you to take action, not just apologise and let everything settle to the way it was again, and then the usual crap will start up with me being unhappy that ur not doing anything and you assuming that i'm angry with you for an assumed petty reason, and not for the fact that i'm always so disappointed in you, because you don't even goddammit, you don't even try. you don't try anymore. that's what you do. nothing and expect everything to be fine and dandy.

what are my expectations of you? you say, oh, ur expectations of me are too high, and i try to be the friend that you want me to be, but it's just too high. what exactly are my expectations in ur eyes? what? the expectations that i have of you are that of what a person should expect from a best friend. is it so hard? really, what have you done, to at least tell yourself, you know, "i tried, i really tried, but it just didn't work out, and because she's always flaring up for no reason, i don't wanna try anymore. let her come to me, she always does anyway. meantime, i'll go happying around with vanessa and gang, they always make me feel better, they're smart people, they always know the answers to my questions, it'll be more effective for me if i studied with them instead of some bimbotic bitch who knows crap about physics. ya, i'll do that.", and so, you did. you always do, you know that?

let it burn, let it die, let it waste away, let it rot, let it slowly fade away as nothing but a horrible memory. i loved you, and i don't think i'll love you as much as i ever did before again. someone else is more deserving. you can throw or burn all those presents that i gave, recycle as a present to give to someone else like you did to jonathan's, or you can just leave it in an empty corner on the floor and let the dust settle on it. i give up on you. this time i really, totally, give up. white flag, surrendered. i don't wanna try. you already lost me, a week after the day you stopped talking to me. which meant to me, that you'd rather be doing something more fruitful than patching up a 3-year friendship. you disappoint me like no one else can. i hate that feeling you give me every once so often.

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

i lost 0.5kg today, i'm down to 93kg. the villa wellness show really hits close to my heart. i mean, the heaviest of them all, that sandy chia woman, is like, 117kg. for me to even go there is unthinkable. i don't know how much worse i'd look like if i gained another 20kg. i wouldn't even have a chin or ankles. it's scary to think so pessimistically. if i let myself go i might just be like sandy chia. oh god, no. i hope she loses all the weight though. many fat girls actually do have a good heart. it's just that nobody sees it. everything that they are, are hidden, and they're like unpolished diamonds. a buyer might see a top grade unpolished diamond of lesser value than that of a polished plastic lookalike. it's a real pity.

take me for example. all my life, at family reunion gatherings during chinese new year, everyone would say "wah! she's so fat! gained weight again ah?" how irritating. in skool, dumb boys shove their friends at me, as though it's really funny. they exclaim hurtful things, and i grew up learning not to take what they say to heart. people just have nothing to say when asked about me. only friends would say "you know, she's actually a really nice person" or "she's really funny! i love it when she cracks us up!" or all the things that i have revealed myself to others who are willing to accept me as i am. and i have found people like that, and thank god for them, i know they'll always have my back. i am actually really lucky.

so andrew says "i love you for who you are. no matter what okay? even when you've got disgusting pimples all over your face, or when you've got dandruff, or when ur all old and wrinkly with freckles and all that. i will still love you!" then he says it with a smile, and my heart melts once again. handsome men have a strange effect on me. dunno why. k la, i know why, i'm just being modest.

but anyway, even though conan wasn't physically there for me during class yesterday, i could see that he was concerned about me. he sat beside me, but moved behind cuz it was too hot. that was alright. he also saw that i was upset, and even though he didn't say it, i still appreciate that silent concern he always gives. and i love conan, in a friendly, non-icky way. he always makes me smile. always. :)

maybe aft o levels we'll never meet again, cuz the "3 of us" is gone now. i don't want it back. it's her loss to have lost it. no more movies, buffets, shopping trips, stupid chats abt stupid things, doing stuff together, going to places together and all that. i will miss it, definitely, cuz it was part of my life. i will not treasure what i had, if she doesn't. again, it's not worth it. until now, i can't believe how many tears i've shed for this woman. i kept trying to make things work, because i treasured and loved what we had, cuz what i had with her was unlike any other friendships that i had with anyone else. we had the same interests, thoughts, dreams, maybe, and i loved her for all that she was. i accepted her defects while she accepted mine.

how often can you find a buddy like that? in the end i was the one losing out, so i won't feel sorry for myself on that part. the world doesn't stop for my grief. losing her's so much harder than losing 2 boyfriends. gee. i never thought someone like her could be so important to me. when you lose a best friend, it's like losing a second self. this friendship was so one-sided, i think i'm the only one feeling this way about what we had. i think she just saw me as "oh, one of my friends in aes lor. no big deal without her, don't worry. i'll live. i don't cry abt dumb things like that."

yeah, probably what she thought.


anyway, nik asked me why i loved to make earrings. then i was thinking. why should i have a reason to love to do what i do? if any, i'd say i chose to love to make earrings. like i chose to love wen, valerie, conan, andrew, jason and chris, 6 of the most important people in my life. sadly when people choose, they either make a good decision or a bad decision. it was a bad decision of mine, to love koh wan wen. horrible decision, although we had happy times.

i have so many photos of wen and i on my wall and cupboard, i dunno what to do with them. looking at it makes me upset, but happy that we had some good times together. i was doing a cleaning up of photos on my phone yesterday. i deleted all the old and ugly photos, and took to mind not to delete the photos i took with her and conan, cuz they ARE still big in my life. i guess it's better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. i hate myself for being so freaking weird. i deleted her phone number on my phone as well, so if i'm tempted to sms her and ask how she's doin, i wouldn't. it's not like she ever asks how I'M doing anyway.



i keep procrastinating. i have not studied, and the week after next is the prelims already. i feel dejected, neglected, unloved, uncared-for, and even though i don't show it my confidence is at a total low.

there are so many things i feel bad about.

i let jia xiang down during our last lesson.
i let the ppl at theresa down and they're disappointed in me cuz i'm not losing weight. nobody is that friendly to me now.
i let myself down, cuz i haven't been studying.

i'm trying to get back up but something is pulling me back. something within me, my inner self wanting to do things to the best that i can but my outer self saying no.

and, yet again, i quarrelled with wen. not actually quarrelled. we've quarrelled and cold-war-ed each other like a million times already. i'm sick of this. she says she doesn't wanna leave the skool with just conan and i as her best friends. ya, i accept that. but she is like, so engrossed in herself that she takes my care and concern for her for granted. and then she says she'll change. what? hasn't she said that for the hundredth time already? but maybe i should change for her. no, not worth it.

and so, i said i was so emotionally involved in what we had, and then she says my expectations of her is too high. what?

i mean, i rarely get myself committed to a friendship, and there she goes, taking it all so easy and light-hearted. any idea how hurt i am? i give to our friendship whatever i have, but she just keeps taking and taking without showing appreciation, i just get stale air in return, cuz she's always talking to others and not me. i do feel that way. i don't care if she thinks she doesn't act that way, but the way she acts makes ME feel that way.

i feel small.

and unimportant. of little importance, of little significance. not loved.

i shouldn't give so much when i know i won't get back anything, but i guess that was what love was about, or what i thought it was about. i tolerated it, but i couldn't stand the thought of giving and not receiving. perpetually. i'd say she's selfish, self-centered and oblivious but i won't. so i just did. that was what i thought.

non-committal and free, that's how i behaved aft all this ruckus. i wasn't obliged to wait for her, i wasn't obliged to talk to her, and like, almost automatic, she does the same. see how much i mean to her? she doesn't ask what's wrong, and assumes that i'd ignore her. assume. what a stupid word. she doesn't try anymore. stopped trying. why? cuz i'm nothing to her. because she feels that i'm just being lil ol' me again, that petty, sensitive and fucked up friend who always explodes erratically. erratic. like it or leave it. i know i'm unpredictable. someone will love me for who i am, and embrace the defects of me, instead of trying to tolerate it.

i was so endelved in us, that i end up getting hurt so much more than she does when we quarrel. i don't think she sees that. she never sees anything unless someone told her, you know, like "hey! caryn's upset with you! do something about it! don't give up!" or "do you not think it was worth all the trouble that at last you two are good friends again?"

no, i don't think so.

best friend. the definition. what is a best friend? i thought i found it in her. apparently not. she wasn't what i thought she was. she said my expectations of her are too high. maybe she feels suffocated. hey, what expectations? is caring for me that hard? like when i tell her that i was feeling sick, was a simple gesture of patting my back or a word of concern that hard to give? or when i keep quiet and look down all the time, is asking me what's wrong that hard? why do you leave me alone to fend for myself when i need you so bad? how do you call that "i tried to, but you just ignored me."? why do i give so much, and get nothing in return?

right now we're going through a phase. i don't know what kinda phase, but a phase. a phase like 'let's not talk to each other. let's take a break from each other. i can't handle this right now.' kinda phase. this is the time when no smses are sent to and from each other, when all eye contact and communications are zilch, when we try to pretend that we're alright without each other. she seems to be doing okay without me, but what did i tell ya, she didn't even need me in the first place. so it's either she's really good at faking it or she really IS doing fine or even better without me. what a horribly sad conclusion. i'd be really broken if she really doesn't need or love me anymore.

during this phase, i distracted myself from it all by hanging out with my sis, and forging that better tutor-student relationship with jia xiang. i felt better, i felt nice and special, and different. cuz these are the people who'll care for me no matter what, cuz they really do want me to be okay. and i would be okay for them and maybe even for myself. is this self-pity? how sad.

so i felt better without talking to wen, but today when i went to skool and saw her all smiling and everything i felt really low again. i mean, yeah, she was a part of my life already, and suddenly losing that just made me really sad. i'll move on from here. just wait til aft o levels, when i get out of this crud skool and move on to the next big step in my life. everything will change for the better. maybe i'll even end up in the same skool or polytechnic as valerie. valerie always makes me feel good, actually. i love her for who she is, and she accepts me just as i am. fat or thin, she'll always be there for me, my best cheerleader and encouraging friend. it is really thoughtful of her to cook snacks for me whenever i see her. last week she made me muah chee. hahaha. i really appreciated it.

so, maybe now i'm just waiting for my execution, or something like it. aft o levels, if wen ever does speak to me, maybe i'll be happy again, or maybe i'll tell her it's too late, and never talk to her again. i am never going back to aes aft graduation. there's nothing there for me to go back for. i'm not going to prom either. everyone else in class is one big happy family, nobody really cares for me. i'm out of place, out of touch, out of reach and out of sight in everyone's eyes.

good friends are really hard to come by. i'd rather have a best friend i can rely on, trust, and tell everything to than to have many acquaintances who are just superficially there for me. this is a trying time where i see who means the most to me. wen's definitely not one of them. no more excuses for me to feel sorry for myself. i don't give a shit abt her, abt conan, abt 4/1, abt aes. the world doesn't stop for my grief. it's alright if i leave aes without a single dependable friend. right now, all i have is me.

Monday, July 04, 2005

belly gave birth on the 30th june! yay. the babies are adorable. hahaha, they all look like the father, all choc brown with a tuft of white fur on the crown. so cute!

anyway, yesterday my mom sis and i went to theresa's to collect the juice, then the store manager was like so blunt, sayin what, because i'm the boss's daughter's friend then i have the chance to do this, normally they'd charge between 2000 to 3000. then my mom was like ya, we're fortunate and everything. i don't like the store manager's attitude, like she despised us for being free-loaders or something in that context. hello. rude.

so we got the juice, and i'm supposed to be on the liquid diet for 3 days. her mom said 5, but the store manager, amy, said 3 will do first, cuz they think i might not be able to take it. ya, i wouldn't. so they said, on thursday, i'd go back and they'd take a before picture of me and i'd take a shower there before i start the treatment. before that they'd do a body composition of my body then they'll do up what kinda treatments would suit me best. i'm pretty apprehensive abt the treatments. ya, sure, they'd get the fats off of me, but this will be like, the first time i'll ever be in my underwear in front of anyone. i hate the sight of my belly. my waist line is dark, because whenever i wear my school uniform the skirt gets really tight at the waist, especially whenever i sit down, when all the fats just bulge out. that's why i have a drak line at my waist area, and it's really unsightly, with the stretch marks and all.

anyway, i've started my first day of liquid dieting, and i'm pretty okay now. i just miss eating meat. can't wait til this is over, then i'll have a breezy outlook again. i'm all tense and uptight.

Thursday, June 23, 2005

i jus took a bath.i was thinking of like, how wen had been so reluctant to let go of samuel. it's like when they first started out, she was so engrossed in him, her whole life was abt him. then she just completely threw me away. then there were the arguments, the insecurity, the lies, the pain and the distrust i had in her. so i was wondering, what would have happened, if i just kept quiet and let myelf fade away from her sight? what would've happened if i told her that her neglecting me was totally alright with me, and that even if she didn't talk to me for a few weeks or even a few months because all her time was spent with sam, it was still okay? i certainly cannot live with not talking to my best friend for even a few days. it'd be unbearable. so i wondered what it'd be like if they had continued and if i had just quietly slipped away. i think she wouldn't have noticed.

she told me that sam was someone who made her feel very comfortable, very at ease when they were together, and that it was very hard to let go of such a wonderful thing. i know, it's selfish of me to expect her to break up with her boyfriend just because i don't like him. but he was the one who caused all this in the first place. no sam, no neglecting. no sam, no loneliness. no sam, no emotional pain. if i were in her shoes, i certainly wouldn't have fallen for sam, cuz he's just too low my expectations, he's acedemically smart but in all other aspects, stupid, he's very aggressive for a boy, he's too vulgar for his age, and he talks like a rapper. i can't stand it when a chinese boy talks like that. it insults the language and the way that rappers speak. i can't stand it.

i had no clue, she loved him so much until she told me that she loved him more than she loved me that day. it hurt so bad to hear that she treasures him more than me. it is so wrong to put a guy above friends. so. wrong. even conan disagrees to them.

now, abt a month later aft she told him that she wasn't gonna be with him, we were pretty okay, and that was what i thought. i thought that we were okay again, until i read her blog. for every post, she talks abt him, in minute details, and she talks abt how she feels abt it and everything. that time, i felt sooo... sad.

i couldn't believe, that even aft that day we spoke on the phone, when i told her that no matter what the issue would be, that she could tell me. i was so gonna be open to her, and i was. i was accomodating. aft i read her blog abt sam, i was so upset that she preferred to tell it to her readers of her blog, than to tell me. it was like, i was the last to know again. i felt really depressed that she still didn't open up to me, even after all that we'd been through.

so that night after i read her blog, i smsed her abt it, like, telling her how much i cared for her, and no matter what i'd always be there for her and everything, and then she replied that she didn't tell me abt it because it was abt sam, and she knows how i felt abt sam. she apologised abt it, and said you know, she'd tell me the next time, and how much i made her feel better that day when conan and i went to her house and everything, then an i love you at the end. so i was like, okay.

i'm still upset that she still doesn't tell me things that we're uncomfortable talking about. what's left to hide between us anyway already? i tell her everything, so why shouldn't she open up too? i just don't get her sometimes.

Wednesday, June 22, 2005

Today I did nothing again. I feel like I’m a total waste of time to myself and others. It’s like the o levels are already so near, and here I am, just whiling my time away, eating when I’m hungry, eating when I’m not hungry. I only gain weight; I’ve never lost weight in my life. When I was in primary school, I gained 10kg every year. I stopped gaining so much weight per year when I reached secondary school. But I still am gaining weight. I am pathetic. All I ever do is daydream and eat. I hate my laziness. I never thought I’d hit 100kg, but when I went to Theresa’s, the moment of truth came when I found out that I was a little over 100g. What a shocker. I haven’t been studying. Therefore I’d be struggling when the next term starts. If I keep this up, how am I supposed to do what I always dream of doing? How am I going to get my degree in business from smu, how am I going to earn big bucks for myself and give my parents vacations whenever they feel like it? How am I supposed to get good catches if my intellectual capability is no where near theirs? If so, how am I going to get married to a rich and successful man to give me a good life? O levels is so important. And I’m doing nothing to even help myself. I am pathetic.

i was pretty excited today, cuz i was supposed to get my organic juices from wen's mom's slimming salon, theresa, to get started on my weight loss program. then my mom was pretty cautious. she was like worried, that we'd get conned and in the end i wouldn't receive any slimming treatments, just the juices alone to detoxify, and then in the end we'd get cheated to buy her products instead of being offered free slimming treatments. i think we should be more trusting of people. she'd too paranoid.

then she was looking at this ad from marie france bodyline. olinda cho on the cover. she lost 18kg in 3 months, which is ard 1.5kg per week, which is pretty cool. so there the ad said $888 for 45 slimming treatments. excluding the 5%gst. i was like, cool. at least they're more forward than theresa. i've been gaining weight, lotsa weight from the past month, and i think my skirt'll feel tight again when i go back to skool, which is i think, next week. so, my mom made an appointment with marie france bodyline, that we'd have a consultation with them next friday. i can't wait to lose all these... disgusting bulges of pure fat. i hate being fat, but i can't help eating food, cuz i love food. who doesn't love food? then they say that they have dieticians and a team of people to help me choose what treatments would be best for me, to lose weight. my mom was willing to pay cuz it could be paid by installments. so, thank god for installments. over a period of 12 months. at least, she's willing to spend something on me. she's always so stingy.

today, i had lotsa fun, joy and laughter with wen and conan. we have lotsa chemistry when we're together. it's like every now and then we say the same things at the same time. it's really cool that i can find people who i can really bond with, considering that i'm, you know, fat. they're truly my bosom friends. i think they know it too. we really care for each other. that's important, and we trust each other also. the parts where we just roll our heads back and laugh are the most memorable moments of our friendship. we laugh a lot, and we laugh hard. so, i'll treasure them and i hope even in the future we still can be like, the best of friends and just like, from time to time, get together and talk and eat and shop and all that. i wouldn't wanna lose them.

conan gave me an orange cubed photo stand for me, for my birthday today. it's from ikea, and i really like it. even though it's cheap, well, for conan, it's pretty expensive, so i really appreciate the present.

i sometimes wonder, when my man will ever come to me. when will i meet my love of my life? when will i first set my eyes on him? when will i see him for the first time as a stranger to each other? at an open-air cafe by boat quay? along the streets of orchard road? at borders? where i'd work? or by the internet? i can only imagine what it'd be like to be loved by my man, and i can only dream once in a blue moon, abt my man. him giving me that safe, secure, comfortable and loved feeling. him and i just talking, sharing moments. him and i, laughing til we cry. him and i, having passionate and mind-blowing sex. him and i, kissing so amorously, i can float away and lose myself in him. him and i, cooking pasta in the kitchen. him and i, taking funny photos together. him and i, showering in the bathroom together, as we still go on kissing. him and i, walking down the streets of orchard road, being the envy of other less-perfect couples around. i would love to have all that. i want to love my man so much, but i don't even know who he is. funny isn't it.

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